Drama at a Glance #18 - 500 Shades of Fucked Up

You cannot argue, defend, debate, negotiate or even communicate with someone who possesses zero capacity for being a rational-thinking adult.  There may be a happy ending for "50 Shades of Grey," but 500 Shades of Fucked Up has a different one, maybe because he teeters on the edge of 50 vs. 27... maybe because there was no one there to rescue him as a child.  Who knows?  And at this point, who cares?

Didn't I know this a month ago (Drama at a Glance #10)?  Perhaps two months ago?  As a twenty or thirty-something-year old I might "stick with it or hang in there for months on end, perpetually hoping he'll change."  As a forty-something-year old?  I'll end this now because "hanging in there" runs counter to my effort to be conscious.  


I dissect my life and live out loud in a way that people on the outside can judge negatively in person, on Facebook or in my blog(s).  Those in my inner circle, though, know the degree to which I push myself to be awake.  And as an awake 43-year old, I can no longer hope, pine or pray that this man or any man will change.  


Men DON'T CHANGE.  And just as a I suspected a month ago, I will not change to be something I'm not to accommodate someone else's fucked up pathology, no matter how great the sex!  

There is communication, honesty, collaboration and compromise in relationship, but only if the effort to reach these states is mutual.  R is of the opinion that I lied to him regarding kissing the radio rep (Drew).  In his "memory" (which is that of a gnat by the way), I had a date with him, but never kissed him.  R is also of the opinion that my blog reveals how attracted I was to Drew and how much I wanted to (in his words), "fuck him."  


Really?  Go back and read it! The only person I want to "fuck" or be in a relationship with is R back in Austin:  "when I contemplate Drew in bed I can't fathom a toss in the bed as hot as my guy back in Austin... He gets ready to drive me back, but not before darting across the table for a long, wet kiss.  Whoa, not bad I think, still not R though.  We drive back to my hotel where he makes a final effort to seal the deal with an invite upstairs.  Seriously?  I may be eager [for sex in general], but I'm not interested [in Drew].  I politely decline and disclose that there is someone else."

I know to my core that I was transparent with R on this, which is precisely why he dove into a 4-day silent treatment back over Easter.  Even his best friend admonished him for expecting a different outcome when he so purposely went out of his way to avoid saying we were "exclusive...", when he so purposely returned to the Austin Dinner Club a few days before (something else he conveniently forgets).  

Whatever, even typing this feels like some lame-ass, bullshit way of justifying myself, inviting comments from R to argue otherwise; but oh my god how he so positively refuses to try on the idea that I wasn't lying, that I would not cheat on him... that the filter through which he sees the world is skewed.  He won't consider that I would NEVER PUT SOMETHING in a blog that he would hear for the first time, that would land on him like a ton of bricks and hurt him.  Give me a break.  I'm dramatic, but I'm not mean.

What I know for sure is that it is over.  R erupted into drama over my work life as I said above (Drama at a Glance #11), he grew despondent over my illusion of Paul and now shuts down over the shadow of some sales rep I dared had the audacity to kiss back over dinner.  He can't allow himself to "fall in love with me" and I cannot pretend being friends with benefits (FWB) is remotely satisfactory.  I am worth so much more than that.  

A week ago R praised these blogs and requested that I finish our story.  Was the sex better after the family reunion?  Did it get hotter?  Did it become more intimate?  Yes, yes and yes.  R introduced me to "50 Shades of Grey" having seen it on Dr. Oz.  I dare say that what we shared was more amazing than anything written in those books, shared between those two fictitious characters barely old enough to appreciate what truly great sex and intimacy is.  

Only three nights ago we try the FWB a second time.  We fall asleep in each other's arms and as I trail off into dreamland a sailing analogy fills my thoughts.  I am not a sailer, have only ever once been on a sail boat and only then as a passenger - not a participant.  But I think about R in my arms and how swept up I am in this experience of him.  

I want this ride to last forever and as he falls into a deep slumber I massage his head, brushing my fingers through his hair, tears forming and rolling from my eyes, thinking this might actually work, we may actually be getting back together after breaking up a month before.  I want to protect him and keep him safe.

My sailing analogy is just an illusion unfortunately... a projection even.  What do you think?  

In my "Drama Queen Guide" blog the other night I spoke to my particular need to feel desired at this stage in my life (Connection, Desire, Self-Esteem).  Funny [interesting] how my emotional state sooo dictates content (like one might expect for a self-diagnosed drama queen).  Only 48 hours later I believe missing R now means that it truly is time to say goodbye.  We view the world and relationship differently, so what more is there to even learn?  

I have learned all I can from someone unwilling and unable to see my heart.  And while I temporarily throw myself a pity party, I am more sad for him.  In his narrow filter on the world not only will he preclude himself from being in a great relationship with me he will undoubtedly limit himself from true emotional intimacy with anyone other than his child.  Not that I care anymore, right?