I push the envelope and beg him to share what's going in his world that he is uncommunicative. Twenty some minutes later the text comes in:
"Yes, I don't get why you need to go to bars as a single woman by yourself. A glass of wine and a bath... a good book. A movie... I see it as another red flag, for me, it's not bad behavior per se, just an awkward match for me. I'm assuming you did not answer last night because you went out with your new friends... I'm not even jealous, just weary. So that's what's going on, you say you love me before you really know me, but seem to need constant stimuli/attention as if you were void and empty, not full and content, certainly not in love. You said it took two plus years for Dean to say he loved you... I'm wondering if it's an unconscious game you play? You want what you cannot have and if you get it you become bored. No knee jerks please, think about it. I used to be that way, human nature after all. So in summary, I'm nervous. I would love to keep it light and continue enjoying our time but because of your lifestyle (need to socialize) I'm not feeling very trustworthy. My issue I know, or yours, I'll never know. I guess I'll go to Houston with just K. I don't feel safe with you."
What the fuck? I am 43 and if there is one thing I know for sure it's that I do not have to defend myself or my "behavior" to this man I've dated for less than four months. And that in and of its self is so incredibly liberating. I think about how I would have reacted if 33. I would be scrambling to explain myself in an immediate retort, or I would be calling and begging for some ridiculous pardon. I say ridiculous because no one should have to apologize for their personality. If I change my mind in a moment of spontaneity to eat out at a restaurant vs. my hotel room, then goddamn it, that's what I'm going to do. And if the regulars at the restaurant want to talk and engage in conversation, then I'm going to do that too. Here's my red flag: IF IT'S THIS PAINFUL NOW, HOW WILL IT LOOK THREE YEARS FROM NOW LET ALONE THREE MONTHS? My parents, co-workers and close friends insist that I cut bait now.
I take my time - four days in fact - to respond: "When you sent your text Wednesday night there were two things that occurred to me. One was that I had nothing to defend in your complaints or criticisms of me being a single woman at a bar, namely because I wasn't at a bar. It was the bar area of Maggiano's restaurant where most people eat when they're dining alone. The next thing I realized was I am not going to allow you or anyone to make ugly, untruthful statements to me. To say I need attention and stimuli because I am empty and void is absurd. You went personal and essentially called names when the truth is that I'm extroverted. I shouldn't have to apologize or explain myself for being who I am and I won't. I have never taken something you've shared about yourself and used it against you in anger. I.E., I don't agree with isolating from people the way you do as a mechanism for coping with or processing life, but I don't judge you for it either. It's who you are (an introvert possibly). Nor do I judge you for chewing, drinking etc. Anyway, your parting shot at the end of that text was that you don't feel safe with me. If that's how you truly feel then you should honor that. These outbursts you display have a similar impact on me and it is hard to envision a long-term relationship with someone who is all over the place emotionally. We can talk this week, but as I see it we're going to have to be friends. I don't expect you to change and I am not going to change who I am to accommodate your issues. It's disappointing because I have feelings for you even if I am still just getting to know you. My need for self preservation overrides sentiment, however, so friendship it will be if you're open to that. I hope you had a good time at Robin's party. I really like your family and was so looking forward to this weekend, but as usual you decided to punish me in the face of your own discomfort over some perceived infidelity."
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