I cannot clearly layout in front of me the myriad thoughts swimming in my head to draw the right conclusion. I want to be right. "He did this or he didn't do that," I tell myself.
Is that enough? I struggle to accept that getting a divorce was the right thing to do when every time I review my justification I come away with excuses that ring superficial. I roll the tape over and over trying to get to this point where leaving my spouse was the only option. He didn't make enough money? We never had sex? People throw in the towel every single day for less aggravation than that. Yet others stay through so much worse. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I have put forth the effort to break through the layers of pain and disappointment all marriages incur?
What I don't like about my justifications is what they possibly say about me: that I am a shallow, selfish child who didn't get her way so I picked up my toys and went home. And now I find myself involved with someone new. Has enough time passed since the divorce that I can love someone else? Have sex with someone else? Have my kids hangout with someone else at... breakfast no less? What are the neighbors thinking about this person with his vehicle discreetly tucked in the garage? Does the big dog lurking in the back yard tip them off? Or do those mutual friends see glimpses into my new life through the portals of social media? What do they think? Oh why do I care?
How can I go into (or already be in) another relationship not knowing my role in these past marital conflicts? I am afraid to move forward despite the excitement of NEW. I am afraid that whatever unconscious role I played in those other conflicts will reemerge in the future. I am afraid that I will want to quit because it just seems like quitting is all I do. I may not quit right away, but eventually it seems. Is that bad? Does that make me the villain? If only I could see it clearly... see it with the perspective that only time passing will provide.
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