Meanderings ~ May 2012

I say I want to be a writer... but more and more I wonder if writing is the fantasy I entertain myself with to dull the bitterness I frequently feel for not being further up on the corporate food chain, for not being more like "them," for wanting to be more focused and together and just straight invested in how the industry works.  


I have ideas.  Tons?  No, but I have one or two ideas that bounce off the walls of my cerebrum periodically.  And here we are now on the tails of another birthday passed.  I turned 43 yesterday and bathed in self pity because one, my love interest wasn't here to pamper me; two, I had to do all the things working moms do on a weekend to keep things running; and three, because I simply lack not only the energy to parent and take care of business at home but I lack the interest/energy/enthusiasm to either WRITE or just give it all up once and for all to just be excellent at my job.  


For more than a year now I have been accepted into Baylor's Executive MBA program.  I deferred last fall to take care of that little divorce matter but now it's time to decide once and for all if I'll do it. The question I keep asking is:  will the percentage increase in tuition be matched by an increase in income?  Would my income and title have increased even if the tuition had remained flat?  When I consider the energy I've exhausted in contemplating the carrot in front of my nose, I think about the time and focus I've lost not being present with the kids.  I think about the time I could've been spent on any number of things other than my self-absorbed dive into poor me.  If only I could measure time lost to such needless whining.  


I shutter in exasperation sometimes to hear my children whine wondering where they learned it.  Seriously, I have to wonder that?  Anyway, years lost and another decade plus three ticks by... the same mental tapes looping through my brain over and over and over again.  


Two years have passed since my last post.  A lot of the excuses from two years ago are gone now, precisely 215 pounds of excuses to be honest.  The question I've asked myself around the MBA program is this:  what if the time I could spend on studying was instead time I spent writing?  


That is the question to which the answer seems obvious, right?  Duh... just do it already and stop whining.  Jeez.