We cruise up the freeway, four hot moms and our five five-year-old daughters returning back to the ATX after a fun-filled weekend in Port A. Up until 4am the night before playing naughty truth-or-dare (naughty as in not yet ready to "share in a blog" naughty - if ever), we are hung over big time jonzing for carbs, caffeine, aspirin and water.
I tell myself it's time to push back from the booze. I find myself dehydrated if not a little shaky more mornings than not these days... these weeks... these months. Or maybe it's just that Summer 2012 is one big party now that my ex and I are apart and he keeps the kids every other week. I feel young again, and what I really mean by that is that I feel younger now than when was I technically YOUNG. Such a funny thing to feel younger and more carefree in my 40s than in my 20s or 30s. Is it being "sexy and free" or is it the growing detachment from looking good, from giving a damn what others think?
Who knows.
We roll up to hot-mom #1's house and separate into our individual vehicles for the final miles home. My kid's are throwing an ever-not-so-subtle tantrum about being unable to stay one more night with their friends and all I can think is that I have to get us home, unloaded, unpacked, laundered and re-packed so I can take them to their dads. As I face the herculean weight of my task-heavy evening I throw a tantrum of my own if only on the inside. In just one hour I'll have peace and quiet. In just one hour I will be completely and utterly alone for 10 days, and by alone what I really mean is lonely.
Loneliness creeps over me and I want something, anything to cope with this emotion. I crack open the cooler to find half of a large bottle of wine remaining from our moms-gone-wild beach weekend. Wait, I still have to take the kids to their dad's... where's my phone? If he'll respond to my text I will be able to fully escape the pain of being alone if only for one night.
Local time is 5 'til 6. "Come on girls," I bellow from downstairs. "It's time to go." We grab suitcases, nap mats and lunch boxes and make our way to the car. Looking at my phone I hesitate. Do I really want to re-engage him? Logically, I cannot see a future with someone if he categorically refuses to discuss our issues, if he insists on reacting like a child to his perceptions (misperceptions) and interpretations.
Fifteen minutes later the girls greet their dad and have to be reminded to hug me goodbye. Ouch, let's tear that self-inflicted wound open just a little more why don't we? Back in my car, I head back into traffic until I reach a traffic light. Sadness, loneliness and disappointment in myself as a parent permeate the car. I retrieve my phone and dial but don't you know that I reach his voicemail? Ugh, can someone just hand me those nails over there so I can hammer the rest of this lid on my coffin of self pity?
"Hey there," I say in a light but not too upbeat tone. "Just back from a great weekend away and have dropped the kids off at their dad's. Wondered if you might like to come over."
If there's anything worse than reaching for a cigarette after quitting for more than a week it's reaching for a cigarette only to find the packet EMPTY. Minutes tick by, then half an hour. Oh well, I guess that's a NO. I chuckle a little and turn to coping mechanism #2 before plopping on the couch to catch America's Got Talent. An hour in the phone rings and every single last trace of pity, sadness and loneliness vanishes when I hear his voice.
"I just now heard your message. When did you leave it?"
"Around 6."
"I wish I'd heard it earlier." Oh, no. Not what I want to hear. I go into super-persuasion mode.
"Are you in the middle of something?"
"Nah, not really... Just pulled up to Santa Rita's to order food."
"I see..." think, think, think. "What if you ordered it to go?"
"Eh, I don't know. Why don't you come down here?"
"I was there last time AND the time before that."
"Well, I'd have to go home and get the Magic Wand."
"No, we don't need the wand."
"We need the wand."
"Fine, order your food, go home for the wand and then head up here picking your food up on the way."
Silence meets me on the other end as he contemplates my suggestion. "Okay, I have to get up early though to get ahead of traffic."
"Not a problem. I need your ass out of here by 5:30 to get to the 6am Bikram class."
"Okay. I'm on my way."
"K, see you in a bit." I end our call as serotonin floods my brain, lubricating my synapses to better maximize the firing of neurotransmitters and neutralize all remnants of loneliness. I'm nearly hyper unpacking the remaining beach clothes, towels and gear while turning on the shower.
A quick wash and shave and I am ready to take a long, deep drag on R. I take a final glance in the mirror at this summer's tan when the doorbell rings. Tonight is going to be fun.
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