I cannot clearly layout in front of me the myriad thoughts swimming in my head to draw the right conclusion. I want to be right. "He did this or he didn't do that," I tell myself.
Is that enough? I struggle to accept that getting a divorce was the right thing to do when every time I review my justification I come away with excuses that ring superficial. I roll the tape over and over trying to get to this point where leaving my spouse was the only option. He didn't make enough money? We never had sex? People throw in the towel every single day for less aggravation than that. Yet others stay through so much worse. Why didn't I? Why couldn't I have put forth the effort to break through the layers of pain and disappointment all marriages incur?
What I don't like about my justifications is what they possibly say about me: that I am a shallow, selfish child who didn't get her way so I picked up my toys and went home. And now I find myself involved with someone new. Has enough time passed since the divorce that I can love someone else? Have sex with someone else? Have my kids hangout with someone else at... breakfast no less? What are the neighbors thinking about this person with his vehicle discreetly tucked in the garage? Does the big dog lurking in the back yard tip them off? Or do those mutual friends see glimpses into my new life through the portals of social media? What do they think? Oh why do I care?
How can I go into (or already be in) another relationship not knowing my role in these past marital conflicts? I am afraid to move forward despite the excitement of NEW. I am afraid that whatever unconscious role I played in those other conflicts will reemerge in the future. I am afraid that I will want to quit because it just seems like quitting is all I do. I may not quit right away, but eventually it seems. Is that bad? Does that make me the villain? If only I could see it clearly... see it with the perspective that only time passing will provide.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Drama at a Glance #7
Why is being a patient parent so hard?
Each morning I start anew. Today will be the day that I parent ALL day without yelling, raging, cursing or wishing for patience. I am so incredibly fortunate to have healthy children. How can I NOT know to parent differently? How can I not know to use a different script?
Sometimes, I actually wonder if I may be harsher than those who raised me. Why? If we repeat what we know, from where do my harsh words and impatience draw their reserve?
My best friend tells me to use empathy... to use humor where I can in disciplining. I do this effectively most of the time, yet I suspect I undermine these advanced techniques with the at least once-daily spiral into ugliness. I do not need to spank or verbally assault to encourage tears. I need only to forget that I am the adult and to act like a child myself when my children throw a tantrum. Hard to believe that I am the one with 40+ years under my belt.
Each morning I start anew. Today will be the day that I parent ALL day without yelling, raging, cursing or wishing for patience. I am so incredibly fortunate to have healthy children. How can I NOT know to parent differently? How can I not know to use a different script?
Sometimes, I actually wonder if I may be harsher than those who raised me. Why? If we repeat what we know, from where do my harsh words and impatience draw their reserve?
My best friend tells me to use empathy... to use humor where I can in disciplining. I do this effectively most of the time, yet I suspect I undermine these advanced techniques with the at least once-daily spiral into ugliness. I do not need to spank or verbally assault to encourage tears. I need only to forget that I am the adult and to act like a child myself when my children throw a tantrum. Hard to believe that I am the one with 40+ years under my belt.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Meanderings ~ May 2012
I say I want to be a writer... but more and more I wonder if writing is the fantasy I entertain myself with to dull the bitterness I frequently feel for not being further up on the corporate food chain, for not being more like "them," for wanting to be more focused and together and just straight invested in how the industry works.
I have ideas. Tons? No, but I have one or two ideas that bounce off the walls of my cerebrum periodically. And here we are now on the tails of another birthday passed. I turned 43 yesterday and bathed in self pity because one, my love interest wasn't here to pamper me; two, I had to do all the things working moms do on a weekend to keep things running; and three, because I simply lack not only the energy to parent and take care of business at home but I lack the interest/energy/enthusiasm to either WRITE or just give it all up once and for all to just be excellent at my job.
For more than a year now I have been accepted into Baylor's Executive MBA program. I deferred last fall to take care of that little divorce matter but now it's time to decide once and for all if I'll do it. The question I keep asking is: will the percentage increase in tuition be matched by an increase in income? Would my income and title have increased even if the tuition had remained flat? When I consider the energy I've exhausted in contemplating the carrot in front of my nose, I think about the time and focus I've lost not being present with the kids. I think about the time I could've been spent on any number of things other than my self-absorbed dive into poor me. If only I could measure time lost to such needless whining.
I shutter in exasperation sometimes to hear my children whine wondering where they learned it. Seriously, I have to wonder that? Anyway, years lost and another decade plus three ticks by... the same mental tapes looping through my brain over and over and over again.
Two years have passed since my last post. A lot of the excuses from two years ago are gone now, precisely 215 pounds of excuses to be honest. The question I've asked myself around the MBA program is this: what if the time I could spend on studying was instead time I spent writing?
That is the question to which the answer seems obvious, right? Duh... just do it already and stop whining. Jeez.
I have ideas. Tons? No, but I have one or two ideas that bounce off the walls of my cerebrum periodically. And here we are now on the tails of another birthday passed. I turned 43 yesterday and bathed in self pity because one, my love interest wasn't here to pamper me; two, I had to do all the things working moms do on a weekend to keep things running; and three, because I simply lack not only the energy to parent and take care of business at home but I lack the interest/energy/enthusiasm to either WRITE or just give it all up once and for all to just be excellent at my job.
For more than a year now I have been accepted into Baylor's Executive MBA program. I deferred last fall to take care of that little divorce matter but now it's time to decide once and for all if I'll do it. The question I keep asking is: will the percentage increase in tuition be matched by an increase in income? Would my income and title have increased even if the tuition had remained flat? When I consider the energy I've exhausted in contemplating the carrot in front of my nose, I think about the time and focus I've lost not being present with the kids. I think about the time I could've been spent on any number of things other than my self-absorbed dive into poor me. If only I could measure time lost to such needless whining.
I shutter in exasperation sometimes to hear my children whine wondering where they learned it. Seriously, I have to wonder that? Anyway, years lost and another decade plus three ticks by... the same mental tapes looping through my brain over and over and over again.
Two years have passed since my last post. A lot of the excuses from two years ago are gone now, precisely 215 pounds of excuses to be honest. The question I've asked myself around the MBA program is this: what if the time I could spend on studying was instead time I spent writing?
That is the question to which the answer seems obvious, right? Duh... just do it already and stop whining. Jeez.
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