If I wouldn't wait three decades to choose another path, then why would I wait another minute?
What does it mean to stay married for Better or Worse? I pose this question to my family, Mom specifically. But she doesn't have an answer, leaving me to figure it out for myself once again. Uhg~ can't someone just tell me what to do?
I ponder modern-day marriage. I don't resent being the primary bread winner. I resent that I'm the 75% to 85% bread winner and that despite repeated, non-pressuring requests to find a consistent source of income there is still an absence of results.
Frontline is a repeat tonight about the history of derivatives, Brooksly Born, Alan Greenspan, the Clinton Administration and the recent crash. At the program's end my partner tells me, "this is why we have to make sure our own financial house is in order."
Really? Interesting...
If that comment had come at any other point in our 12-year history I would have internalized it, wondering what I'm doing wrong and how can I be better (so he won't leave). But the comment came tonight and I realize that I'm not the one who has to put their financial house in order. When your personal contribution to the household is 75+% it puts you in the power position and bullshit if he's going to put this gorilla on my back.
From my point of view, it's ALL ON ME and this is NOT what we agreed to. Unfortunately, we didn't agree to anything. I am the primary bread winner as well as the the primary parent. I am the person who pays the bills, calculates the budget, keeps our diet filled with vegetables, organizes house cleanings, goes to work even when I'm sick, picks up around the house and manages the never-shrinking to-do list. I have a 401K and a plan to pay off debt. But tell me, what good does it do if everytime I turn around there's another charge on the card or a loan taken out on the personal line of credit to cover someone's business expenses.
I hear the other day that the truck needs a $400-500 repair and that it needs to go on the credit card. Great! What's the plan to repay the credit card, I ask.
He retorts with, "well I have to have a truck that works."
"I agree, but right now our expenses outweigh our income and there is nothing else I can do to increase my salary." I have pushed for raises and promotions for 5+ years straight and my efforts have yielded a 100% increase over when I started at my company. What can I say about my spouse except that with my rising frustration he seems more a cost center than a profit center. Tell me again about getting our financial house in order. He'll be 65 in less than 15 years without a cent set aside for retirement. That'll coincide nicely with high school graduation... sure hope the kids are smart enough for full scholarships.
Look, I know I'm "bitchin'" here, but I want to know what FOR BETTER OR WORSE means? He comes home after repairing the truck to tell me he had to drive around for a while because my words were "hurtful." Seriously? Hurtful?
I think about everything I could have said and the tone I could have used. For years I have bitten my tongue because of the risk of losing him. I have curbed my gender's tendency to nag, whine and be taken care of and what has it gotten me? Now I'm the man ~ and I don't want to be the man!
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