Forever he has been my friend, my ally, my colleague and greatest champion.
Now he occupies the bulk of my thoughts. What will it be like to kiss him, I wonder. He is tall and I ache to be embraced by him, to be suspended with my legs around his waist, to be pinned up against the wall with his mouth on my own. How did we get here and more importantly, how can we get there?
I check-in with myself: is this for real or just my pattern? Am I manipulating this situation to fill that deep chasm of unmet need for attention? When did the feelings start? When? When? When? Was it two years ago, perhaps? If I am truly honest with myself it was at least two years ago that I perceived the subtlest of shifts. It was then that I began referring to him as my "Best Friend at Work" and confiding in him all the things I'd tell a girlfriend.
At meetings or dinners he occasionally teased me and I silently wondered if he harbored romantic feelings for me. Then at last January's meeting - the same meeting with Mr. Mediterranean and the Brazilian incident - he was my best friend on the couch. I snuggled up to him on the couch, my legs on top of his. But it "meant nothing," right? I mean I could put my legs on top of his because he was just my friend... just my friend.
He invites me to surgeon dinners twice in New Orleans. Together with his assistant they invent emergencies to engineer customer meetings with me over my boss. Then we carve out time for dinner during a recent trip to and as luck would have it, my plane is delayed three hours. My return trip home is pushed back all together to the following day.
I bunk with his assistant that night, but not until we share a few more rounds. Finally snuggled in bed I make a confession to my roommate about her boss, "I sometimes wonder how our friendship would look if we were not married to our spouses."
She pauses from her night-night routine, "I've wondered that for three years."
Three what? It's incomprehensible to me! Three years? I was just coming off of maternity leave three years ago? I was barely in my [then new] position three years ago. How is that even possible? She and I had not even met yet three years ago? How could I be so clueless? How could she perceive anything three years ago? Except that assistants know. They know their bosses better than the back of their hands. They know their bosses like a second husband. He waxed on about my talents with customers and spreadsheets and she read through each and every one of them.
I lay in bed as she reveals her observations and I am overcome with emotion. Tears run down my cheeks and I'm unsure why exactly. She inquires into my reasons for crying and all I can see is a future... a future with him that didn't exist a moment before.
